Susanna Jani's Posts - ADRhub - Creighton NCR2024-03-28T14:09:06ZSusanna Janihttp://www.adrhub.com/profile/SusannaJanihttp://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/2309047315?profile=original&width=48&height=48&crop=1%3A1http://www.adrhub.com/profiles/blog/feed?user=07zg0gkv3iadc&xn_auth=noHow Good Emailing Can Improve a Bad Relationshiptag:www.adrhub.com,2012-05-10:4905899:BlogPost:388812012-05-10T00:26:51.000ZSusanna Janihttp://www.adrhub.com/profile/SusannaJani
<p>Today, you are in for a real treat. <a href="http://www.mediatebc.com/Find-a-Mediator/Mediator-Profile.aspx?RosterTypeId=2&MediatorId=237" target="_blank">Jane Henderson, Q.C.</a>, our perennially popular blogger and member of our distance mediation team, is back with another of her signature frank, but light-hearted, posts. I hope you are settled into a comfortable chair because this is one you'll want to read to the end!</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">* * *…</p>
<p></p>
<p>Today, you are in for a real treat. <a href="http://www.mediatebc.com/Find-a-Mediator/Mediator-Profile.aspx?RosterTypeId=2&MediatorId=237" target="_blank">Jane Henderson, Q.C.</a>, our perennially popular blogger and member of our distance mediation team, is back with another of her signature frank, but light-hearted, posts. I hope you are settled into a comfortable chair because this is one you'll want to read to the end!</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">* * *</p>
<p><a href="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/jane-henderson21.jpg" target="_blank"><img class=" wp-image-2502 align-center" title="Jane Henderson" src="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/jane-henderson21.jpg" alt="" height="212" width="130"/></a></p>
<p>So, you have finally got a settlement and a parenting plan that you can live with. It was a long and difficult battle but it is over and time to move forward. Your Family Law Professionals have suggested that since you and your Ex are unable to communicate in person without it degenerating into a shouting match, and you can’t talk on the phone without someone slamming the receiver down, you should limit your communication to email. Or perhaps you live in different communities and have settled using distance mediation, so email is the best method of communicating.</p>
<p>Email seems like a perfect solution. It is written — so no shouting. It is a record — so everyone should be respectful. Writing gives one time to think about what one wants to say — so no emotional outbursts. It is right there in black and white — so no misunderstandings.</p>
<p>Well, maybe. If, like most of us, you have ever been on the receiving end of an email which you thought was aggressive, or have been surprised that an email which you sent offended the recipient in some way, or was completely misunderstood, then you will appreciate that communicating by email in a positive way is as much a skill as any other kind of productive communication. You likely also know that, if you and the recipient have a history of misunderstandings and antagonism, bad emails can make a bad situation even worse.</p>
<p>The good news is that it is not difficult to communicate productively with email if you follow a few simple rules. Even better, improved communication will likely improve your relationship. These are my Top 10 Rules for doing that:</p>
<ol>
<li>Be clear in your own mind about what you want to accomplish before you send the email (e.g., You would like him/her to keep the kids an extra day …..).</li>
<li>Be direct but polite; don’t try to be tricky.</li>
<li>Start with a salutation. It doesn’t have to be formal: “Hi” and your Ex’s name is fine.</li>
<li>End with a closing: “Thanks for considering this” and your name.</li>
<li>Don’t use capitals except for proper nouns and the first letter of the first word in a sentence. CAPITALIZED WORDS IN EMAILS ARE EASILY INTERPRETED AS SHOUTING.</li>
<li>Similarly, don’t use multiple exclamation points!!!!! (unless you are conveying something the recipient will think is good news too) or question marks????? Both come across as being aggressive.</li>
<li>Stick to the necessary facts and your real question. Don’t use email to deliver a lecture, commentary, advice or instruction — unless the instruction has been specifically requested.</li>
<li>If a request is made of you in an email and you are saying “No”, you don’t have to give excuses, lengthy reasons, or say why you think the request is out of line. It is enough to say “I am sorry but I can’t help you out this time” — always accompanied by a salutation and civil closing.</li>
<li>If a time limit for the response is needed, put it in your email, but don’t ask or expect that it be immediate. Give at least 24 hours; the longer the time you can give, the better. (And don’t follow up with capitalized exclamatory requests for a response. You know s/he is going to get great satisfaction in hitting the “Delete” button.)</li>
<li>Don’t send or reply to emails in haste, unless it is a legitimate emergency — that is, someone’s health or life is in immediate danger. Take as much time as possible before you hit the “Send” button. If there is the remotest possibility that you have not said what you want to say in a civil and respectful tone, send it to yourself first. Look at it the next day and make sure it says exactly what you want in a civil and respectful way.</li>
</ol>
<p><br/> Here are some examples of what I am talking about:</p>
<p>Let’s say you would like your Ex to take the kids this weekend because you have plans that don’t include them.</p>
<p>You could send this email:</p>
<blockquote><span style="color: #003366;">Since you are always nagging me to be flexible, I am willing to trade my weekend with the kids this week for your weekend next week. But don’t drag this out. I need to know now.</span></blockquote>
<p><br/> Followed up a couple of hours later by:</p>
<blockquote><span style="color: #003366;">So do you want the kids or not??????</span></blockquote>
<p><br/> The reply might come back as:</p>
<blockquote><span style="color: #003366;">Of course I want the kids. I ALWAYS want the kids. They come FIRST in my life, not like in some people’s. But I have a life too and I am not your babysitter. You are supposed to be responsible for them this weekend and, besides, we have plans for next weekend. So I guess you will just have to put them first and be a responsible parent for a change.</span></blockquote>
<p><br/> You may now feel entitled to respond:</p>
<blockquote><span style="color: #003366;">Well FINE!!! Just don’t expect me to be flexible when you want to make a change!!!</span></blockquote>
<p><br/> And so, the toxic cycle continues. Neither of you is going to feel very good about it and neither of you got what you want. Your Ex would have been happy to have the kids but didn’t want to swap weekends, so ended up without them. You are either going to have to pay a babysitter or miss your event because you asked to swap weekends instead of asking for what you really wanted, which was to have the kids go to the Ex. The tone of the emails makes any sort of discussion about options or alternatives pretty difficult.</p>
<p>On the other hand, you might try sending this email:</p>
<blockquote><span style="color: #003366;">Hi Robin: Something has come up this weekend and I am wondering if there is any chance you could take the kids? I would like to swap weekends, but if that doesn’t work for you, it would still be a big help to me if you could take them this weekend. I would be glad to do the same for you another time. Could you please let me know by Wednesday? If I don’t hear from you by Wednesday, I will assume that doesn’t work for you and make other plans. Thanks, Tony</span></blockquote>
<p><br/> Then Robin is more likely to respond:</p>
<blockquote><span style="color: #003366;">Hi Tony: I am happy to have the kids this weekend, though sorry that the swap won’t work for me. I expect I will need to ask you to take one of my weekends later this fall. Let me know when you will drop them off. Cheers, Robin</span></blockquote>
<p><br/> Or Robin’s response might be:</p>
<blockquote><span style="color: #003366;">Hi Tony: Sorry I can’t help you out this weekend, but would be happy to do it another time. Cheers, Robin</span></blockquote>
<p><br/> The point is that what Tony really wanted was for Robin to take the kids this weekend. If they could do a swap, that would be a bonus. By asking in a direct, yet respectful, way Robin is more likely to agree; even if s/he doesn’t, the door is left open for it to happen another time. Neither person needs to feel that they have “lost” anything, and neither is left feeling angry or attacked. More importantly, they have had a civil, respectful exchange — the first step to a civil, respectful relationship.</p>
<p>In some cases, a respectful request will still result in an aggressive or hostile response. Even if this happens, don’t succumb to the temptation to reply in the same way. One of you may have to be the first to break the toxic cycle, so let it be you. It is hard to maintain hostility if it is not reciprocated.</p>
<p>The moral of this story is:</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">Don’t underestimate the power of email communication, for bad and for good. Use it wisely and you will improve communication <em>and</em> your relationship.</p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><strong>Originally published on the <a href="http://distancemediation.ca" target="_blank">BC Distance Family Mediation blog</a>.</strong></p>The Best Interests of Children: Negotiating in the Shadow of the Lawtag:www.adrhub.com,2012-05-03:4905899:BlogPost:386862012-05-03T23:44:28.000ZSusanna Janihttp://www.adrhub.com/profile/SusannaJani
<p><strong>Originally published in the <a href="http://distancemediation.ca" target="_blank">BC Distance Family Mediation blog</a></strong></p>
<p></p>
<p>Today, it is my privilege to publish a post about what is undoubtedly the single most important consideration for separating parents — including when they are participating in family mediation. My thanks go to our highly esteemed distance mediation team member,…</p>
<p><strong>Originally published in the <a href="http://distancemediation.ca" target="_blank">BC Distance Family Mediation blog</a></strong></p>
<p></p>
<p>Today, it is my privilege to publish a post about what is undoubtedly the single most important consideration for separating parents — including when they are participating in family mediation. My thanks go to our highly esteemed distance mediation team member, <a href="http://www.mediatebc.com/Find-a-Mediator/Mediator-Profile.aspx?RosterTypeId=2&MediatorId=101" target="_blank">Eugene Raponi, Q.C.</a>, for providing us with this informative, thoughtful post:</p>
<p></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/eugene-raponi-qc1.jpg"><img class=" wp-image-2419" title="Eugene Raponi QC" src="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/eugene-raponi-qc1.jpg?w=214" alt="" height="229" width="163"/></a></p>
<p>For separating parents, the most important issue that they have to resolve is the creation of an appropriate parenting plan for their children. Where should they start? Almost every parent will tell you that a parenting plan must be in the "best interests of the children". But what does that mean?</p>
<p>All too often, that phrase is used as a justification for a proposal. For example, I’ll hear one parent in mediation say that he wants the child to spend exactly 50% of the time with him because that's in the child's best interests. I usually ask: what's the magic of 50%? How does that serve the child's interests?</p>
<p>In other words, it's important for parents to understand how their proposal fits in with what's best for the child and not what's best for them.</p>
<p>It is said that the parties in a family law dispute negotiate in the shadow of the law: a negotiated agreement must be tested in the face of its alternatives. The ultimate alternative, of course – if no agreement is possible – is for the parties to proceed to court to see what a judge might have to say about their dispute. Judges will listen to the facts and apply the law. They do so impartially and with experience and wisdom. However, most judges will tell you that the people in the best position to make a decision about children are the people that love them most: their parents.</p>
<p>So, what does the law say about how to make decisions about children? In British Columbia, there is new legislation, the <a href="http://www.ag.gov.bc.ca/legislation/family-law/index.htm" target="_blank"><em>Family Law Act</em></a> (the <em>FLA</em>), poised for implementation that provides a very helpful guide to parents trying to make the best parenting arrangements for their children. That legislation provides that the parties (and the court) must consider <em>only</em> the best interests of the child when determining guardianship, appropriate parenting arrangements or contact with a child (s. 37)<em>.</em> Under the <em>FLA,</em>the following circumstances are to be considered:</p>
<ul>
<li>the child's health and emotional well-being</li>
<li>the child's views (unless inappropriate to consider them)</li>
<li>the nature and strength of the relationships between the child and significant persons in the child's life</li>
<li>history of the child's care</li>
<li>the child's needs for stability</li>
<li>the ability of the parent (or guardian) to exercise his or her responsibilities as a parent</li>
<li>the impact of any family violence (including any civil or criminal proceeding relevant to the child's safety, security or well-being)</li>
<li>the ability of the parents to cooperate and communicate about the child</li>
</ul>
<p><br/> The legislation goes on to provide a shopping list of responsibilities – not <em>rights</em>– that parents may allocate between themselves in relation to their children. Those responsibilities include:</p>
<ul>
<li>making day-to-day decisions</li>
<li>making decisions as to where the child will live and with whom the child will live and associate</li>
<li>making decisions about schooling, including extracurricular activities</li>
<li>making decisions about cultural, linguistic, religious and spiritual upbringing</li>
<li>consent to medical, dental and other health-related treatment</li>
<li>applying for passports, permits and so on</li>
<li>providing consent on behalf of the child, as required</li>
<li>receiving and responding to notices</li>
<li>requesting and receiving information about child from third-party health care and education providers</li>
<li>dealing with legal claims relating to a child</li>
</ul>
<p><br/> The point of all of the above is that the focus must remain on what is important for and to the children and not what is important for and to the parents.</p>
<p>So, let's go back to the example of a parent proposing a precise 50% sharing of a child's time. How does that address the interests of the child?</p>
<p>Well, experience and the psychological literature confirm that children should have as much meaningful contact as possible with each parent (<em>the child’s emotional health and well-being</em>, according to the factors set out above). In order to become a well-developed, functional adult, a child must have a full and meaningful relationship with each parent. So, the interest that is being addressed by the proposal is to create a parenting schedule that allows a child to have a full and meaningful relationship with that parent. But there is nothing in my experience or in the literature that says anything about it having to be 50% of the time. Usually, that kind of proposal has something to do with a need for equality between the parents (the parent's right, not the child's) or about influencing a child support claim (again, that’s an adult issue and not a child-focused one).</p>
<p>Mediation is about identifying interests and then fashioning an agreement that comes as close as possible to meeting those interests. When it comes to children, who are not usually part of the process, it’s especially important to consider whose interests are being advanced.</p>Picking from the peck of platforms (videoconferencing platforms, that is)tag:www.adrhub.com,2012-04-05:4905899:BlogPost:376062012-04-05T21:34:24.000ZSusanna Janihttp://www.adrhub.com/profile/SusannaJani
<p><a href="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/barrell-of-marbles-small.jpg"><img alt="" class="alignleft size-full wp-image-2289 align-center" height="250" src="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/barrell-of-marbles-small.jpg" title="Barrell of marbles (small)" width="166"></img></a> It's no wonder we get so many questions from mediators about what we looked for when picking a videoconferencing platform to use for <a href="http://distancemediation.ca/about/" target="_blank">our distance mediation service</a>. The panoply of platforms that is available these days is positively dizzying. Add to that the highly sensitive and confidential sessions that are intrinsic to…</p>
<p><a href="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/barrell-of-marbles-small.jpg"><img class="alignleft size-full wp-image-2289 align-center" title="Barrell of marbles (small)" src="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/barrell-of-marbles-small.jpg" alt="" height="250" width="166"/></a>It's no wonder we get so many questions from mediators about what we looked for when picking a videoconferencing platform to use for <a href="http://distancemediation.ca/about/" target="_blank">our distance mediation service</a>. The panoply of platforms that is available these days is positively dizzying. Add to that the highly sensitive and confidential sessions that are intrinsic to mediation, and you have a choice that can be both difficult and intimidating to make.</p>
<p>What features make a videoconferencing platform suitable for mediation? Every mediator’s area of practice, client group, personal style and comfort with technology is, of course, different which makes this question an impossible one to answer definitively. In spite of this, our research and experiences with distance mediation have led us to conclude that certain features are well worth insisting on when picking from the peck of videoconferencing platforms (sorry, folks – I can’t help myself) that are out there. Here are six of those features:</p>
<p><strong>1. Strong security frameworks:</strong>In selecting our videoconferencing platform we looked for clearly described security features, acceptable to both government and corporations. We got professional technical advice about security, and took that advice – the minimum acceptable security framework should include SSL to begin the session and AES 128 to encrypt data for the remainder of the session. In addition to this, we asked ourselves two key questions when reviewing the different platforms: How easily can data, video and audio transmissions be accessed by external parties? How easily can parties record or copy discussions? We conducted our investigations fully understanding that there are no guarantees when using any information and communication technology – that it is not possible for a mediator to ensure that all communications will be confidential or to completely control where or how some personal information may be collected, stored or accessed. At the same time, as we believe it is a mediator’s duty to make every effort reasonably possible to protect client privacy and confidentiality of information, we made security a priority in our selection. We felt strongly enough about this that we were willing to sacrifice some user-friendliness in order to get security frameworks we had confidence in.</p>
<p><strong>2. Robust host controls:</strong>Given the special nature of family mediation, we wanted a platform that provides the mediator with maximum control over mediation-relevant conference features. For example, because of possible safety issues relating to domestic violence, we rejected any platform where parties are able to continue discussions after the mediator ends the mediation session and disconnects. For similar reasons, we eliminated platforms that do not allow the mediator to control whether parties can send each other private text chats. We did not accept platforms that pose other obvious risks; for example, we avoided ones that do not give the mediator complete control over how his/her desktop can be seen by parties during file sharing, to lower the chance of parties seeing confidential documents and automatic e-mail notifications on the mediator’s computer.</p>
<p><strong>3. Compatibility with a range of systems:</strong>We found, despite some advertising claims, that not all of the videoconferencing platforms work equally well on PCs, Macs, smartphones or tablets. We also found a difference in how well platforms are able to accommodate hardware accoutrements such as webcams and headsets. Considering the smorgasbord of systems parties (and mediators) come with, we felt that broad system and hardware compatibility is essential. How did we go about testing platforms for this? We routinely met on different platforms, using our own particular computer systems and hardware. We also, shamelessly and relentlessly, invited friends and colleagues to join us on the platforms so we could check out how well various system configurations work.</p>
<p><strong>4. Quality video and audio:</strong> In our experience, it is the video and audio capabilities that make videoconferencing a superior choice for distance family mediation. However, we also found that if the quality of either of these is compromised, it actually impacts communications negatively. Accordingly, we tested platforms with an eye to examining the quality of their video and audio – including sharpness of picture, clarity of sound, and consistency and reliability of both. As part of our analysis of quality, we considered the sophistication of video and audio related features. For example, we looked at how many individuals can send their video simultaneously, how large the video panes are, whether the audio is voice activated, and how easy it is to do on-the-spot troubleshooting if either video or audio malfunctions.</p>
<p><strong>5. Document and program sharing</strong>: The benefits of being able to share documents and software programs with parties during mediation became evident to us very quickly. Because of this, we looked for a platform with a versatile, easy-to-use whiteboard and file sharing capabilities. For the latter, we wanted the mediator to have the ability to display documents to parties, as well as to create and edit various types of documents, live-time, while meeting with parties. We also considered whether the platform allows the mediator to share web-based content. While we did not see this feature as being of critical importance for mediation work, we did feel it is potentially quite useful as it gives the mediator the option of pulling up information posted on the Internet – Federal Child Support Tables, being an example – to show to parties at the very time the topic arises during mediation.</p>
<p><strong>6.</strong> <strong>Support 24/7:</strong>The availability of training in how to use the platform, as well as ongoing technical support, were key features we looked for in making our selection. It is here, in our view, that some of the platforms shine. The best offer tutorials (self-learning videos and courses), instructor-led webinars, step-by-step written guides, searchable knowledge bases, 24-hour turnaround e-mail responses to questions, and 24/7 live technical support for meetings (yes, real people to answer your toll-free call). The tone and quality of the support is something we also considered. We wanted a platform that was backed by easily understood information and courteous, helpful and articulate service staff. Why did we put such an emphasis on support? No matter how easy it is to use a platform, it seemed virtually guaranteed that at some point in time someone participating in a distance mediation would need assistance. As we are not communication technology experts, and neither are the vast majority of parties using our mediation service, we felt it was essential to have immediate access to quality technical support, whenever and wherever we needed it.</p>
<p>So . . . you may by now have started wondering whether I’ve forgotten the one feature that every review of videoconferencing products seems to highlight: <strong>Cost</strong>. My omission is, in fact, deliberate but not because we ignored cost when making our selection. Rather, we discovered that in the context of our desire to provide professional, high quality family mediation services, the cost of the platform was not a primary consideration – at least, not when compared to security, host controls, system compatibility, support and the other features listed above. Sadly, it seems that when it comes to picking a videoconferencing platform, the old adage – <em>“you get what you pay for"</em>– applies just as much as it does elsewhere in life.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/dcmatt/159724564/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Photo</a> credit: <em>“Barrell of marbles”</em> by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/dcmatt/" target="_blank">DCMatt</a> (<a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/deed.en_CA" target="_blank">CC license</a>)</p>
<p></p>
<p><strong>Originally published on the <a href="http://distancemediation.ca" target="_blank">BC Distance Family Mediation Blog</a></strong></p>
<p> </p>Why bother trying mediation?tag:www.adrhub.com,2012-03-21:4905899:BlogPost:371572012-03-21T23:44:39.000ZSusanna Janihttp://www.adrhub.com/profile/SusannaJani
<p>Because, whether we want them to or not, our connections with others are enduring. We can ignore them or deny them but, once made, they stay with us forever — as do any any loose ends left in our connections.</p>
<p>This beautiful 3 minute video called "<a href="http://www.porcelainunicorn.com/" target="_blank">Porcelain Unicorn</a>" says it all.<br></br> <br></br> <object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" height="360" width="640"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="false"></param><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="never"></param><param name="src" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/dCAs_CyopMQ&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3"></param><param name="allowfullscreen" value="false"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="never"></param><param name="wmode" value="opaque"></param><embed allowfullscreen="false" allowscriptaccess="never" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/dCAs_CyopMQ&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="640" wmode="opaque"></embed> </object>
</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">* * *</p>
<p><em>My thanks to my friends, Tom and Joan, for sending me the link to…</em></p>
<p>Because, whether we want them to or not, our connections with others are enduring. We can ignore them or deny them but, once made, they stay with us forever — as do any any loose ends left in our connections.</p>
<p>This beautiful 3 minute video called "<a href="http://www.porcelainunicorn.com/" target="_blank">Porcelain Unicorn</a>" says it all.<br/> <br/> <object width="640" height="360" classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="false"></param><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="never"></param><param name="src" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/dCAs_CyopMQ&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3"></param><param name="allowfullscreen" value="false"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="never"></param><param name="wmode" value="opaque"></param><embed wmode="opaque" width="640" height="360" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/dCAs_CyopMQ&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3" allowfullscreen="false" allowscriptaccess="never"></embed> </object>
</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">* * *</p>
<p><em>My thanks to my friends, Tom and Joan, for sending me the link to this extraordinary film. The background to it — as told to me — is that "legendary British film director Sir Ridley Scott launched a global film making contest for aspiring directors. It's titled "Tell It Your Way". There were over 600 entries. The film could be no longer than three minutes, contain only 6 lines of narrative, and be a compelling story. The winning entry was 'Porcelain Unicorn' from American director Keegan Wilcox."</em></p>
<p><em><br/></em></p>
<p><strong>Post originally published on the <a href="http://distancemediation.ca" target="_blank">BC Distance Family Mediation blog</a>.</strong><span style="color: #888888;"><em><br/></em></span></p>Finding the courage to try new thingstag:www.adrhub.com,2012-03-13:4905899:BlogPost:368392012-03-13T21:27:39.000ZSusanna Janihttp://www.adrhub.com/profile/SusannaJani
<p>Originally posted on the <strong><a href="http://distancemediation.ca" target="_blank">BC Distance Family Mediation blog</a></strong></p>
<p><a href="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/new2.jpg"><img alt="" class="alignleft wp-image-2102 align-center" height="251" src="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/new2.jpg" title="new2" width="221"></img></a></p>
<p>When I recently invited my colleague, Linda Ross – Practice and Development Coordinator for Mediate BC Society – to provide a post for our BC Distance Family Mediation blog, I had absolutely no idea what she might say. So, when her post arrived in my inbox a…</p>
<p>Originally posted on the <strong><a href="http://distancemediation.ca" target="_blank">BC Distance Family Mediation blog</a></strong></p>
<p><a href="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/new2.jpg"><img class="alignleft wp-image-2102 align-center" title="new2" src="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/new2.jpg" alt="" height="251" width="221"/></a></p>
<p>When I recently invited my colleague, Linda Ross – Practice and Development Coordinator for Mediate BC Society – to provide a post for our BC Distance Family Mediation blog, I had absolutely no idea what she might say. So, when her post arrived in my inbox a few days ago, and I saw the title and photo, I have to admit I was more than a little curious as to where her thoughts had led her… and what type of surprise was waiting for me.</p>
<p>Well, here is Linda’s post. I hope you’ll agree with me that it is the best type of surprise – and that the lens she uses to look at distance mediation is both intriguing and inspiring!</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">* * *</p>
<blockquote><p><em>For me, trying new things isn't about just enjoying a new activity or food, for example. I really am content enjoying all the things I already enjoy. But straying into foreign lands, both metaphorically and literally, has always forced me to challenge my beliefs. And as painful as that is, nothing, I believe, contributes to our happiness more than shattering the delusions to which we cling, unable as we often are to distinguish between beliefs that are true and beliefs that are false (especially beliefs about ourselves). And for better or worse, we simply seem unable, most of the time, to identify a belief as delusional unless some experience shows us.</em></p>
<p><em>In the end then, I find the spirit to try new things synonymous with the spirit of self-improvement. And while I can't honestly say I'm intrinsically interested in the former (and sometimes need a gentle reminder to do it from people around me), the latter is a large part of the reason I'm here.</em> (From “Happiness in the World: Reflections of a Buddhist Physician” by Alex Lickerman, MD)</p>
</blockquote>
<p style="text-align: left;"><br/> This message from Dr. Alex Lickerman’s article, published in <em>Psychology Today</em> (April 1, 2010), and his views expressed in <a href="http://www.happinessinthisworld.com" target="_blank">his blog</a> inspired me to write about one of my own life challenges, dealing with the escalating pace of change. I am of that “certain age” where I can remember the beginning of many new movements – the liberation movements of the 1960’s; the environmental movement of the 1980’s, leading to the current “green” explosion; and, more recently, the IT or technological revolution.</p>
<p>I fell into computer use in the late 1970’s, of necessity, for work. I remember my first laptop – a 1990 Toshiba “heart stopper.” At 10+ pounds the unit was considered portable; it only required a small wagon to pull it along behind you! At that time, today’s iPhone and tablet revolution was inconceivable. In fact, the Internet had not been born yet – we are talking less than 20 years ago. I was very tolerant of new technology – at first. The changes started slowly, but by the mid-1990’s, technological change started to move at Mach speed (the speed of an object when it is traveling close to or above the speed of sound).</p>
<p>I read somewhere that 9 in 10 Americans (read North Americans), and 70 percent of people worldwide, use mobile phones to text, swap pictures or video, and interact via social networks more often than they do to talk to one another. I recently came across a quote in a news article that children in the United States are now more likely to possess a mobile phone than they are to own a book – horrifying if this statement is true.</p>
<p>I imagine that when families consider mediation as a means to resolving a family issue, online dispute resolution may seem like a strange alternative, not as trustworthy perhaps as having the mediator in the room with them. When it comes to using any kind of technology in people-oriented processes such as mediation, there may be hesitation as people think about the natural barriers that have been well addressed by other posts on this Distance Mediation blog.</p>
<p>Opening our minds to trying something new or being willing to think of something in a new way is often frightening because it's unfamiliar. Unfamiliar things often make us anxious and we do not feel safe. However, there is some truth to the old adage “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” If you think about it, most of the things we fear don't actually come to pass. What's more, we're often unable to anticipate the good things that do occur as a result of our trying something new.</p>
<p>Dr. Lickerman reminds us that trying something new or experiencing the unfamiliar lets us know we are still alive and growing. These are a few of the many beneficial outcomes of facing our fear of trying new things and embracing new experiences:</p>
<ul>
<li>Summoning and strengthening courage to face the unknown.</li>
<li>Trying something new opens up the possibility for us to experience and enjoy something new.</li>
<li>Trying something new keeps us from stagnation and boredom. Most of us become bored, if we are not challenged in some way. And it's not the new challenges we’re eager to take on that represent the greatest opportunities for growth – it's the ones we’re not.</li>
<li>Trying something new forces us to grow. We don't ever grow from taking action we've always taken (the growth that enabled us to be able to take it has already occurred). Growth seems to require we take new action first, whether it's adopting a new attitude or a new way of thinking, or literally taking new action.</li>
</ul>
<p>I can acknowledge that facing change and embracing growth are good things but why do I still fear some new situations? What causes my brain to react – instinct or something else? Is this inborn in us as humans? When we see the tree stump in the forest at twilight that really looks like a bear, for a split second we can feel the bear’s jaws against our skulls.</p>
<p>We all have that same choice – to obey the “fight or flight” response that prepares us to “face the worst” or override the primal response and accept that the only real constant in life is change. As the great doctor, psychiatrist and writer Gerald Jampolsky says “feel the fear and do it anyway!"</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">* * *</p>
<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/greghughespdx/6961050241/in/photostream" target="_blank">Photo</a> credit: “DSC_1671” by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/greghughespdx/6961050241/in/photostream" target="_blank">greghugespdx</a> (<a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/deed.en" target="_blank">CC license</a>)</p>
<p> </p>When it ain't easy to say the right thing: How distance mediators helptag:www.adrhub.com,2012-03-02:4905899:BlogPost:364482012-03-02T01:00:00.000ZSusanna Janihttp://www.adrhub.com/profile/SusannaJani
<p><strong>Originally published on the <a href="http://distancemediation.ca" target="_blank">BC Distance Family Mediation blog</a></strong></p>
<p align="center" style="text-align: center;"><strong><a href="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/sideways-spark.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-2021" height="191" src="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/sideways-spark.jpg" title="Sideways Spark" width="500"></img></a></strong></p>
<p align="center"><strong>“<em>The difference between the right word and the almost right word<br></br> is the difference between lightning and a lightning…</em></strong></p>
<p><strong>Originally published on the <a href="http://distancemediation.ca" target="_blank">BC Distance Family Mediation blog</a></strong></p>
<p style="text-align: center;" align="center"><strong><a href="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/sideways-spark.jpg" target="_blank"><img class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-2021" title="Sideways Spark" src="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/sideways-spark.jpg" alt="" height="191" width="500"/></a></strong></p>
<p align="center"><strong>“<em>The difference between the right word and the almost right word<br/> is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.”</em></strong></p>
<p style="text-align: center;" align="center"><strong><em>(Mark Twain)</em></strong></p>
<p style="text-align: left;" align="center"><br/> I wish I’d seen that quote years ago, when I was in the midst of my own separation. In hindsight, I can say without hesitation that many of the discussions I had with my ex about how to reorganize our lives went sideways for no other reason than that I didn’t understand how important my choice of words actually was. I also didn’t fully grasp how difficult it can be to say the “right thing”. This isn’t just because I was young (which I was) – it really <span style="text-decoration: underline;">is</span>difficult to remain on an even plane and to contemplate the impact of words in the emotionally charged atmosphere that accompanies a marital break-up.</p>
<p>This is where a family mediator could have been really helpful for me.</p>
<p>Let me pause here, just in case you are becoming suspicious that this is about to turn into a sales pitch. It is not. Mediators are, simply put, in the business of helping people communicate with each other in a positive way. It is their stock and trade, and what they are trained to do. For many of them, it is a professional and personal passion, and they take great pride in their skills at creating an atmosphere that lets people resolve their issues productively and in a civilized manner. Traditionally, family mediators have done this when meeting with clients in person – together with them in the same room. But how do they do this when they are at distance from the clients and using technology to meet?</p>
<p>To get the answer to this, I went to our <a href="http://distancemediation.ca/2011/05/17/meet-the-distance-family-mediation-team/" target="_blank">distance mediation team</a>members and asked them how they help family clients communicate with each other. I found their comments so interesting, I decided to post them “uncut” – exactly as I received them. Here they are:</p>
<blockquote><p>1) All my distance mediations to date have been much more respectful than face to face mediations. Because of the technology, especially with videoconferencing technology, parents are not talking over one another, as the platform really determines that parents need to wait to be heard. Additionally body language doesn’t seem to be as much a trigger because they aren’t in the same room.</p>
<p>That said, I use the same techniques I do in person. Clarifying communication guidelines before beginning the mediation, getting buy-in from clients and then referring back to guidelines if clients begin to deviate. I try to keep the process as simple as possible, as the issues are usually far from it!!</p>
<p>2) I have had similar experiences [as the mediator above]. In talking to my distance mediation clients individually they say they simply could not be in the same room due to the emotional stress. They find the videoconferencing format is working well for them because they are able to see the person, but be distant. When things get too emotional, they can save face by asking for the meeting to end. I find that I am using the written materials they have provided to help focus on the issues and move forward. Other than that, mediation is much the same and, as a mediator, I forget the technology and it seems a natural process.</p>
<p>3) My experience has been the same. I tell my distance clients the same thing as most of my regular clients, especially the very fraught ones; that is: Try to distance themselves, step back and observe, or think about it being over and resolved, or think of it as a difficult discussion with an acquaintance one must continue to work with (sort of the opposite of being 'in the moment'). The technology does seem to help create a sense of distance, which then helps to keep things cool.</p>
<p>4) Likewise – in our individual pre-mediation sessions I discuss what each party feels their personal “triggers” are in communicating with the other parent. This gives me the information I need to identify it when it is occurring. When someone is triggered, they won’t be able to actually “hear” what the other is saying....so knowing these triggers gives me the cue for extra clarification when they are in play.</p>
<p>As it is important that our joint session remain “respectful” – when I am going over that part at the outset of the mediation – I take a few minutes for all three of us to define what that means to each of us. For some it may be a tone/volume/ language-use, and with that understood for each we can all consciously make an effort to avoid what each has identified as disrespectful. I also explain the human tendency to feel under attack when someone starts a sentence with “YOU” and encourage the parties to avoid that trap.</p>
<p>Referring specifically to the “distance”, or use of technology experience, I find that checking in more frequently with the parties with respect to “how we are doing” and “how is this feeling for each of you” is necessary due to the absence of the more subtle cues I may be able to detect in person.</p>
<p>It is so true that frequently it is not “what” is said....but “how” it is said that can make or break productive communication!!</p>
<p>5) The strategies in distance mediation are essentially the same [as for in-person mediation]. For example, I emphasize the importance of listening to each other in the mediation process so that clients can gain some understanding of the issues, and also explain that listening does not mean agreeing.</p>
<p>In distance mediation, I spend more time in pre-mediation with parties discussing the environment in which they are going to be in when they are mediating. Is it free of distractions? Is it comfortable? Is there going to be anyone else there? The physical space (environment) can impact their communication with the other party if they have challenges focusing on the conversation.</p>
</blockquote>
<p><br/> Very interesting, don’t you think?<br/><br/> If you mediate from a distance, using technology, I’d love to hear what you have to say about this. How do <strong>you</strong> help your clients communicate with each other?<br/> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/gregfoster/2773353073" target="_blank">Photo</a> credit: “Sideways Spark” by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/gregfoster/" target="_blank">thefost</a> (<a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/deed.en_CA" target="_blank">CC license</a>)</p>Mediation and the Two Wolves in ustag:www.adrhub.com,2012-02-09:4905899:BlogPost:360282012-02-09T22:41:26.000ZSusanna Janihttp://www.adrhub.com/profile/SusannaJani
<p><strong>Originally posted on the <a href="http://distancemediation.ca" target="_blank">BC Distance Family Mediation Blog</a></strong></p>
<p><strong><br></br></strong></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/wolfs-stare1.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-1762" height="199" src="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/wolfs-stare1.jpg?w=300" title="Wolf's Stare" width="300"></img></a></p>
<p>I had that familiar, sinking feeling last night when I started cleaning out the inbox for my personal e-mails. My old friend, Procrastination, had left me with a stack of messages…</p>
<p><strong>Originally posted on the <a href="http://distancemediation.ca" target="_blank">BC Distance Family Mediation Blog</a></strong></p>
<p><strong><br/></strong></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/wolfs-stare1.jpg" target="_blank"><img class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-1762" title="Wolf's Stare" src="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/wolfs-stare1.jpg?w=300" alt="" height="199" width="300"/></a></p>
<p>I had that familiar, sinking feeling last night when I started cleaning out the inbox for my personal e-mails. My old friend, Procrastination, had left me with a stack of messages whose fate needed deciding — 549 in total. The feeling evaporated, though, the moment I started rereading an e-mail that had come from an acquaintance quite some time ago.<br/><br/>Titled “Two Wolves”, here is what it says:</p>
<blockquote><p>One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all."<br/><br/>"One is Evil — It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego."<br/><br/>"The other is Good — It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."<br/><br/>The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"<br/><br/>The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."</p>
</blockquote>
<p><br/>Undoubtedly, I risk appearing like some kind of New Age flower child by saying this, but I’m going to say it anyway: “Two Wolves” captures perfectly what I see to be at the heart of mediation. If we come to it with an open mind, the mediation process can help us “feed” the good in ourselves. Unlike court processes which often seem to fuel our anger, pick at our wounds and pit us against each other, mediation encourages us to put aside our darker side. It supports us in thinking beyond our anger, hurt and resentment so that we can forge an agreement that is the right one for us and for our children — together, and in a way we can feel good about.<br/><br/>Engaging in family mediation doesn’t mean there will be a fairytale ending to our relationship breakup. It does, however, give the Good Wolf in us a chance to win the battle.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">...</p>
<p><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/kaanah/2064098959/" target="_blank">Photo</a> credit: “Wolf’s Stare” by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/kaanah/" target="_blank">C. Young Photography</a> (<a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/deed.en" target="_blank">CC license</a>)</p>
<p>PS: Like so many e-mails, “Two Wolves” came to me with no information about the original source or, even, its original form. I extend my apologies to its author, who I wish I could credit. Thank you, whoever you are, for such an inspiring piece.</p>Family Mediation on the Horizon? 3 Common Mistakes and How to Avoid Themtag:www.adrhub.com,2012-02-02:4905899:BlogPost:357912012-02-02T19:34:59.000ZSusanna Janihttp://www.adrhub.com/profile/SusannaJani
<p><strong>Originally published on the <a href="http://distancemediation.ca" target="_blank">BC Distance Family Mediation Blog</a></strong></p>
<p>Today’s post comes from Victoria's (British Columbia, Canada) own <a href="http://www.mediatebc.com/Find-a-Mediator/Mediator-Profile.aspx?RosterTypeId=2&MediatorId=237" target="_blank">Jane Henderson, Q.C.</a>, member of our distance mediation team and author of the BC Distance Family Mediation's immensely popular blog post,…</p>
<p><strong>Originally published on the <a href="http://distancemediation.ca" target="_blank">BC Distance Family Mediation Blog</a></strong></p>
<p>Today’s post comes from Victoria's (British Columbia, Canada) own <a href="http://www.mediatebc.com/Find-a-Mediator/Mediator-Profile.aspx?RosterTypeId=2&MediatorId=237" target="_blank">Jane Henderson, Q.C.</a>, member of our distance mediation team and author of the BC Distance Family Mediation's immensely popular blog post, <a href="http://distancemediation.ca/2011/08/09/family-mediation-one-lawyer-tells-how-she-does-it/" target="_blank"><em>Family Mediation: One Lawyer Tells How She Does It</em></a>:<br/><br/></p>
<p><a href="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/jane-henderson1.jpg" target="_blank"><img class="size-full wp-image-1892" title="Jane Henderson" src="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/jane-henderson1.jpg" alt="" width="156" height="195"/></a></p>
<p>I have noticed three common mistakes people make when they are considering entering into the mediation process. These mistakes make it difficult to proceed in a positive and efficient way, and sometimes they may make a successful resolution through mediation impossible.</p>
<p>The three mistakes are:</p>
<p>1. The Positional Mistake: “There is no point in us going to mediation until you tell me what you want.”</p>
<p>2. The Disclosure Mistake: “I won’t show you my documents until you show me yours (and maybe not even then if I don’t think they are relevant).”</p>
<p>3. The Bribery Mistake: “I will only agree to go to mediation if you agree to do …”</p>
<p>Let me explain each of these a little more fully.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>1.</strong> <strong>The Positional Mistake</strong><br/>Mediation works because the mediator assists the clients to identify and meet their common interests, as a way to resolving the issues which divide them.</p>
<p>“Interests” in this context means the reasons why a given outcome is important for a client. An interest may be so broad as to be his/her overarching goal, but it may also be quite narrow. “Position” refers to the outcome a client thinks he or she needs to achieve in order to satisfy his/her interest. For example:</p>
<p>“I don’t want to be a bag lady” is an <em>interest.</em><br/>“I want/need you to pay me support of $5,000 per month” is a <em>position.</em></p>
<p>“I want to be a full participant in my children’s lives” is an <em>interest.</em><br/>“I must have the children 50% of the time” is a <em>position.</em></p>
<p>Clients often have no difficulty formulating their positions but, just as often, they don’t really think about their interests until encouraged to do so by the mediator. So, when one or both clients want to exchange positions, before the mediation has even begun, that is a problem. If the clients are focused on a particular position, they may have difficulty seeing their common interests and considering other resolutions which will meet those interests.</p>
<p>There is a tendency, once a position is announced, for the person holding it to feel that they have to stick to it at all costs or they will be thought a “pushover”, or they will have “given up”. Sometimes a client may literally get stuck on that position and therefore be unable to see any other options. It is hard to keep an open mind and look at all the options if you think you already know what the solution should be. When clients become positional, it becomes difficult for them to be flexible. The discussion of outcomes is best left to the latter part of the mediation process, not the beginning.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>2. The Disclosure Mistake</strong><br/>If sharing positions prior to family law mediation is not a good idea, sharing facts and documents, as much as possible, <em>is</em>. In family law, an agreement made without full disclosure is vulnerable to an application to have it set aside. Neither this mediator, nor any other mediator I know, will mediate unless there is a commitment to full disclosure.</p>
<p>Mediation requires the same kind of disclosure as the litigation process. Although it may be done in a more informal way it is still mandatory. When mediating property and financial issues, one of my first steps is to help the clients come to agreement on what the facts are with respect to income, assets and liabilities. Only then are we able to consider possible resolution. Production of the documents which support the financial facts ensures that you do reach agreement on the facts.</p>
<p>So, if you want your mediation to proceed efficiently (and therefore at less cost to you), I think the single most effective step you may take is to provide each other with all the relevant documents prior to the start of mediation.</p>
<p>You may start the mediation process by mediating the production of documents but that will add considerably to the time, and therefore the cost of mediation. An apparent reluctance to provide documents may also lead the other side to think there is something being hidden. In any event, production of most documents is not optional – it is mandatory. There is no point in trying to avoid or stall the production of documents; they must be produced.</p>
<p>The best practice is to ensure that you and the other side each have copies of, or access to, Income Tax Returns, bank statements, loan documents (if you want the other side to contribute to paying off the loan), RRSP and pension statements and other investment statements.</p>
<p>Summaries of the information in these documents may be helpful down the road but, to start, you need to produce copies of the actual documents. Only then will you have laid a foundation of openness and trust which will make a successful resolution possible.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>3. The Bribery Mistake</strong><br/>Participation in the mediation process ought not to be used to acquire a benefit which would otherwise be the subject matter of mediation. The reason for attending mediation is because you believe that the process will give you a good chance at getting a reasonable resolution to your issues. Attendance at mediation must be voluntary and without coercion</p>
<p>A successful mediation requires that both clients come to the table prepared to work in good faith to achieve a mutually acceptable resolution of outstanding issues. One client can not use his/her agreement to enter mediation as a way to get the other client to agree to do something s/he would not otherwise be willing to do.</p>
<p>For example, “I will go to mediation if you agree to move out of house” is not acceptable. The clients may go to mediation to resolve the terms on how one or the other moves out, but unless a client was going to move out anyway, s/he should not leave in order to get the other into the mediation room. Apart from the obvious element of coercion, it is not a very effective tactic. What if the person moves out, and then moves back if s/he doesn’t like how the mediation is going? Or the mediation-resistant client attends, signs the Agreement to Mediate, but then refuses to enter the process with good faith?</p>
<p>Mediators don’t have magic wands, and they don’t have the coercive powers of the Courts. All they have to work with is their ability to apply the good faith and commitment of the clients to the process. If good faith or commitment is lacking in one or both of the clients, the mediation is unlikely to be successful and therefore a waste of your time and money.</p>
<p>It should be noted, however, that the line between what I am calling “bribery” and what might be called “facilitating the mediation” can be blurry and sometimes difficult to determine. For me, and I think for most mediators, it is not “bribery” if one client agrees to pay for all or part of the mediation in order to get the other client into the room. Or, to use the “vacating the house” example given earlier, it is not bribery if one of the clients had planned to move out anyway and the other client says s/he will start the mediation when they are living separately.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>Reframing in the Positive</strong><br/>As mediators, we like to reframe the discussion to emphasize the positive, so let me summarize by sharing some tips for a successful mediation:</p>
<p>1. Come to the mediation table willingly, with an open mind and a willingness to be flexible. Think about what interests you might have in common with the other side and how those might be achieved.</p>
<p>2. Provide full disclosure right from the start. Do it voluntarily and with good grace.</p>
<p>3. Come to mediation because you believe in the process. Come prepared to work in good faith to reach resolutions that work for each of you.</p>How dark is it on the dark side? The environmental downside of using technology for mediationtag:www.adrhub.com,2012-01-26:4905899:BlogPost:358372012-01-26T22:01:03.000ZSusanna Janihttp://www.adrhub.com/profile/SusannaJani
<p><strong>Originally posted on the <a href="http://distancemediation.ca" target="_blank">BC Distance Family Mediation Blog</a></strong></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/trash1.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-1726" height="300" src="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/trash1.jpg?w=199" title="trash" width="199"></img></a></p>
<p>Today, we warmly welcome Colleen Getz — evaluator for the <a href="http://mediatebc.com/PDFs/1-2-Mediation-Services/Distance-Mediation-Project---Evaluation-Report.aspx" target="_blank">previous phase</a> of our…</p>
<p><strong>Originally posted on the <a href="http://distancemediation.ca" target="_blank">BC Distance Family Mediation Blog</a></strong></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/trash1.jpg" target="_blank"><img class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-1726" title="trash" src="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/trash1.jpg?w=199" alt="" width="199" height="300"/></a></p>
<p>Today, we warmly welcome Colleen Getz — evaluator for the <a href="http://mediatebc.com/PDFs/1-2-Mediation-Services/Distance-Mediation-Project---Evaluation-Report.aspx" target="_blank">previous phase</a> of our distance mediation service — as she follows up on an earlier post in which she discussed the environmental benefits of meeting with the help of technology:<br/><br/></p>
<p>"We humans have a bad habit of creating new problems in our attempts to solve others. Several previous posts on this blog (<em><a href="http://distancemediation.ca/2011/06/13/reason-9-to-use-distance-family-mediation-save-paper-save-trees/" target="_blank">Save paper, save trees</a></em>; <em><a href="http://distancemediation.ca/2011/10/25/daring-to-think-small/" target="_blank">Daring to think small</a></em>; <em><a href="http://distancemediation.ca/2011/10/03/daring-to-think-big/" target="_blank">Daring to think BIG</a></em>) have talked about the environmental benefits of distance mediation over the more traditional face-to-face mediation format. But, to get the full picture, it’s important to look at both sides of the equation — is there an environmental <em>dark</em>side to distance mediation?</p>
<p>Energy used to run our electronics, and the greenhouse gas (GHG) emissions generated in the manufacture of that equipment, are the biggest factors contributing to the minus column of the eco-equation for distance mediation. Gartner, an information technology research and consulting company, estimates that the industry generates about <a href="http://www.gartner.com/it/page.jsp?id=503867" target="_blank">2% of the global volume of emissions</a>. Additionally, there are major concerns about other kinds of pollution, such as the huge volumes of electronic garbage and toxic chemicals released as we dispose of the old and rush to acquire the latest and greatest in electronic wizardry.</p>
<p>But on the plus side, the World Wildlife Fund has examined the contribution these technologies can make in efforts to <a href="http://wwf.panda.org/about_our_earth/all_publications/ict/" target="_blank">reduce the other 98% of global GHGs</a>. The Distance Family Mediation Project is a wonderful example of this. In an earlier phase of the project, it was estimated that, on average, somewhere between 500 to 1600 kilograms (.5 to 1.6 metric tons) of emissions were avoided by the participants not having to travel to mediation sessions.</p>
<p>According to Mike Berners-Lee (in his book <em>How Bad are Bananas? The Carbon Footprint of Everything</em>), the energy consumed by a computer used for a mediation by web conference — say, perhaps, involving three one-hour mediation sessions — can be measured in <em>grams</em>, not kilograms. Three hours of computer use is estimated to emit between 204 and 660 grams (.000204 and .00066 metric tons) of GHGs. This means that, in that early phase of the project, the emissions generated by computer use were less than 1% of the emissions that might have been generated had the participants travelled to their mediation sessions. Clearly, using a computer in a distance mediation process is a winner when it comes to avoiding GHG emissions!</p>
<p>It is important for technology manufacturers and users (advocates of distance mediation included) to continue their search for ways of reducing their carbon footprint. As well, there is much work to do in recycling and properly managing the electronic garbage most of us produce by living and working in the information age. Nevertheless, it is safe to say that, no matter how you do the calculations, the dark side of the eco-equation for distance mediation really doesn’t add up to much — especially when you compare it to the alternatives."<br/><br/><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/bastian/382061838/" target="_blank">Photo</a> credit: "<em>Trash</em>" by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/bastian/" target="_blank">basheem</a> (<a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/deed.en" target="_blank">CC license</a>)</p>Mediator – Know Thyself! (Part II)tag:www.adrhub.com,2012-01-24:4905899:BlogPost:358072012-01-24T00:31:38.000ZSusanna Janihttp://www.adrhub.com/profile/SusannaJani
<p><strong>Originally published on the <a href="http://distancemediation.ca" target="_blank">BC Distance Family Mediation blog</a></strong></p>
<p><strong><br></br></strong></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/reflecting-at-the-dock.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-1706" height="200" src="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/reflecting-at-the-dock.jpg?w=300" title="Reflecting at the dock" width="300"></img></a></p>
<p> </p>
<p>In last week's <a href="http://distancemediation.ca/2012/01/10/mediator-know-thyself-part-i/" target="_blank">post</a>,…</p>
<p><strong>Originally published on the <a href="http://distancemediation.ca" target="_blank">BC Distance Family Mediation blog</a></strong></p>
<p><strong><br/></strong></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/reflecting-at-the-dock.jpg" target="_blank"><img class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-1706" title="Reflecting at the dock" src="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/reflecting-at-the-dock.jpg?w=300" alt="" width="300" height="200"/></a></p>
<p> </p>
<p>In last week's <a href="http://distancemediation.ca/2012/01/10/mediator-know-thyself-part-i/" target="_blank">post</a>, <a href="http://mediatebc.com/Find-a-Mediator/Mediator-Profile.aspx?RosterTypeId=1&MediatorId=160" target="_blank">Kari Boyle</a>, Executive Director of Mediate BC Society, raised the topic of mediator competence and the need for self-awareness to guide one’s decisions about whether one has sufficient knowledge and experience to act as a mediator in a given case. Today, she tackles the important question of <em>how</em> a mediator can improve his or her own self-awareness and competence:</p>
<p><br/>"Issues of competence are not limited to the mediation field, of course. Jordon Furlong’s recent blog post, “<a href="http://www.slaw.ca/2011/12/30/cpd-and-the-presumption-of-competence/" target="_blank">CPD and the Presumption of Competence</a>”, notes that a license to practice law does not necessarily mean the lawyer is competent and that continuing professional development rules only require you to “show up” and fail to actually test or prove competence.</p>
<p>So just what does mediator competence mean and how does a mediator both improve self-knowledge about competence gaps and seek to improve competence in those areas?</p>
<p>Competence in the field of conflict resolution involves a deep understanding of conflict, ethics and process and depends on the mediator’s cognitive as well as emotional intelligence. Thankfully, there are lots of opportunities these days for mediators to participate in meaningful advanced professional development regarding mediation. Mediators should take advantage of these opportunities to expand their understanding of the field and to practice skills as much as possible.</p>
<p>An often debated issue is the extent to which mediators need knowledge and experience in the subject matter of the parties’ dispute (an engineering background in a construction dispute for example). The cautious answer is probably that “it depends” – on the situation, the type of case and the needs of the parties.</p>
<p>Some counsel say that they prefer to have a mediator with “subject matter expertise” but that may be code for their cultural preference for evaluative mediation (a topic for another series of blog posts!). Other counsel and some parties prefer mediators who are process experts and who call in the subject matter experts as required. Still others say that a combination of the two is sometimes appropriate but that subject matter expertise is highly over-rated (possibly since it is rare to find an expert in the required area who also possesses the necessary expertise and experience in how to conduct an effective mediation). See Nancy Kramer’s helpful tips on selecting a mediator <a href="http://www.mediate.com/articles/KramerN5.cfm" target="_blank">here</a>.</p>
<p>Improving self-awareness is more challenging. It is true that “we don’t know what we don’t know”. Left to our own devices we may indeed be missing things. In addition to ongoing practical professional development it is important to take opportunities to check in with our colleagues and other dispute resolution practitioners. Counter-intuitively, while mediation is all about collaboration, mediating can be isolating work – it is very important to find safe and convenient ways of sharing experiences and expertise. Other ways to improve self-awareness include seeking out coaches or mentors, asking for feedback from an observer, participating in co-mediation and learning about how to develop a reflective mediation practice. Striving for increased self-awareness will help with competence but it will also assist in deepening our own experience of mediation.</p>
<p>There are many excellent written resources on these topics. These are just a few:</p>
<ul>
<li>For more about self-awareness and the interrelationship between ethics, emotional intelligence and self awareness I invite you to review Louise Phipps Senft’s articles, “<a href="http://www.mediate.com/articles/PhippsSenftL1.cfm" target="_blank">Mediator Excellence and Self-Awareness</a>” and “<a href="http://baltimoremediation.com/articles/ACR_Ethics.pdf" target="_blank">The Interrelationship of Ethics, Emotional Intelligence and Self Awareness</a>”.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>For a primer on reflective practice take a look at Judy Cohen’s article, “<a href="http://www.mediate.com/articles/cohen5.cfm" target="_blank">Reflective Practice: How Veterans Can Benefit from Rookie Training</a>”.</li>
</ul>
<p><br/>As always, comments are welcomed."</p>Mediator – Know Thyself! (Part I)tag:www.adrhub.com,2012-01-23:4905899:BlogPost:356312012-01-23T21:04:47.000ZSusanna Janihttp://www.adrhub.com/profile/SusannaJani
<p><strong>Originally posted on the</strong> <a href="http://www.distancemediation.ca" target="_blank"><strong>BC Distance Family Mediation blog</strong></a></p>
<p>Today's post is the first in a two-part series on mediator competence and self-awareness. It is our good fortune to have guest blogger,…</p>
<p><strong>Originally posted on the</strong> <a href="http://www.distancemediation.ca" target="_blank"><strong>BC Distance Family Mediation blog</strong></a></p>
<p>Today's post is the first in a two-part series on mediator competence and self-awareness. It is our good fortune to have guest blogger, <a href="http://mediatebc.com/Find-a-Mediator/Mediator-Profile.aspx?RosterTypeId=1&PracticeAreaId=0&LanguageId=0&CulturalExperienceId=0&ServiceRegionId=0&Location=All&Keyword=kari%20boyle&MediatorId=160" target="_blank">Kari Boyle</a>, Executive Director of Mediate BC Society, share some of her thoughts on what just may be one of the most interesting - and challenging - topics for mediation practitioners today:</p>
<p><a href="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/boyle-3-web4.jpg" target="_blank"><img class="size-full wp-image-1661" title="boyle-3-web" src="http://distancemediation.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/boyle-3-web4.jpg" alt="" width="120" height="180"/></a></p>
<p>"Last month I attended the most recent educational session hosted by the <a href="http://faculty.law.ubc.ca/coreclinic/index.html" target="_blank">CoRe Conflict Resolution Society</a>. Veteran trainer and mediator, Lee Turnbull, led a fascinating discussion about ethical issues in mediation. The focus was on four key topics: party competence (including mental capacity); mediator competence; impartiality; and confidentiality. The topics clearly hit a chord with the audience.</p>
<p>In terms of the party competence and impartiality issues, Lee provided a helpful reminder of the need for mediators to be constantly curious rather than jumping to conclusions, assumptions or judgments. When we are confronted by a party who appears inebriated (for example) we need to stop, caucus and ask some probing questions to determine the extent of his or her incapacity, if any. When we are confronted by our own negative reaction to a party’s position we need to be sufficiently self-aware that we can pause and identify our own “stuff” so we can move it to the side and then focus on the needs of the parties. All great reminders.</p>
<p>It was the part about <strong>mediator</strong> competence that I wanted to reflect on a bit more. What does “competence” mean in this context and how is it measured? The Standards of Conduct of Mediate BC Society say:</p>
<blockquote><p>5.1 A mediator must acquire and maintain knowledge, skills and abilities sufficient to provide competent mediation services, and provide services only for cases where he or she is qualified by experience or training.</p>
<p>8.2 A mediator must be alert to the need to recommend independent legal advice, particularly to unrepresented participants, and to the need to make the participants aware of the value of consulting other professionals in order to make fully informed decisions.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>These provisions don’t comprehensively define what mediator competence is but they do imply that mediators need to be self-reflecting and self-aware. Lee reminded us that mediators need to be clear about their own knowledge, skills and abilities and to assess whether they have the necessary knowledge and experience to act as mediator in a particular case. This is an ongoing responsibility as new issues and aspects can arise in mediation practices. Lee suggested that the key was, again, self-awareness. It can be surprisingly easy to find oneself overstepping one’s own competence.</p>
<p>For example, if I am conducting a family mediation and a question comes up that involves complex international tax issues, I need to stop, pause and reflect. Is this something that I am qualified to deal with (for me the answer would clearly be no!)? What help do I need? What other resources can I bring in to assist the parties? Many issues such as this will have surfaced during pre-mediation preparation and outside resources rallied as necessary. But sometimes things can surprise us and we need to have our curiosity poised and be ready to modify the process. The onus on the mediator is arguably greater when one or more clients are unrepresented.</p>
<p>Clients should not expect mediators to have all of the answers, particularly on complex substantive issues and, ideally, parties will have their own counsel to advise them. They do appreciate someone who can identify the red flags as they arise. Particularly for unrepresented parties, without the necessary qualifications obtained through experience or training a mediator might miss an important red flag and deprive clients of the opportunity to obtain advice.</p>
<p>So exactly how does a mediator improve self-awareness and competence? I will tackle that important issue in my posting next week."</p>