Forgive me. I apologize. I was an idiot. You didn’t deserve what I said. I was so wrong. I didn’t mean it. You are a saint for putting up with me. Will you please forgive me? In whatever form requests for forgiveness take, it is not incumbent upon the receiver to forgive. For some reason many people think they ‘should’ forgive or at least say they do. It’s just not always that straightforward.

When it comes to interpersonal conflict, we all have our own range of thresholds – what is…

It may seem a strange coupling – threat or treat – when it comes to talking about conflict. Threat is, of course, more straightforward, since we commonly sense some type of challenge when we are in conflict. That is, if we perceive that something undermines our values, beliefs, or needs, we may experience that as a threat to us and our identities. Sensing any sort of threat when we are in conflict causes feelings of insecurity and vulnerability. This may, for instance, be due to…

When I first started to practice law some years ago I heard the expression and then, observed the act of “posturing” - as referred to lawyers who became positional during negotiations or court proceedings. As I observed it, posturing is typically demonstrated through body language, mannerisms, and words. These came together, it seemed, in an adversarial effort to ‘win’ and assert a position about a legal dispute. While posturing may be considered strategic and just part of the game of…

You have likely heard or possibly used this expression “Yea, yea tell it to the judge”. In my experience, it is usually said in a demeaning and sarcastic manner when the speaker disagrees with another’s perspective on a matter. It’s one of those statements that implies messages such as: “You don’t know what you’re talking about”; “I disagree and it’s for someone else to decide – certainly not you”; “A smarter person than you knows the answer”; and so on. The implication is there’s a right…

We all have to manage conflicts in our brain on a daily basis, not only with others but with ourselves: making the right decisions, choosing between options, between objectives, allocating our time and resources, etc. Our session will cover what neuroscience has to tell us…

As we know, the word please is usually meant to be a polite statement that accompanies a request of another. With a drawn out pronunciation and sarcastic intonation, this word can turn quickly into an expression that reflects disgust, disapproval, anger, and disagreement. ‘Puullease’ may be used to dismiss the other person, to criticize, or to put them down. In any case, saying this word in the way just described typically leaves little room for conciliatory dialogue.

Consider a time…

Just about anybody who has ever studied or trained with me has had the experience of engaging in The Pasta Wars, a Prisoner’s Dilemma simulation-game I developed with Yifat Winkler.  Thank you all for helping us perfect it!

For all those of you who are now teachers or trainers yourselves – I’ve uploaded the game, complete with a…

Join us as guest host Kim Bunker speaks with ACR Membership Committee Member Susan Terry as she gives an update on the new general Advanced Practitioner program for ACR.  This show will kick off a new radio series which will include shows on the topics of social media, ACR Chapter and Section events and highlights, the 13th ACR Annual…

Every conflict contains a seed that in the right conditions can germinate into a new understanding, deeper awareness, and creative possibilities. The inner workings of the brain can advance or hinder this process. This program will explore implications of current neuroscience research for communication, social interactions, conflict management, and influence. This program…

As with many proverbs, the origin of “silence is golden” is not definite. The first example of it in the English language was apparently from the poet Thomas Carlyle who translated the phrase from German in Sartor Resartus in 1831. In that translation, silence was compared to speech – “speech is silver, silence is golden”. In an effort to become masterful in managing conflict I thought it may be an idea to…

Some research on the expression “mending fences” indicates that the derivation is from the proverb “Good fences make good neighbours”. It is apparently listed by the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations as a mid-17th century idiom. My source states that Robert Frost gave the proverb a boost in his 1914 poem “Mending Walls” when he used the above expression to essentially mean rebuilding previously good relationships. There was a slight…

The metaphor of an iceberg has commonly been used as a metaphor about conflict. This is on the basis that there are things above the surface that show themselves and then, there is all that is going on underneath. Compared to conflict, some things are obvious to the disputants (and often others) that reflect the dynamic between them, the issues in dispute, and other aspects of the existing dissension. These are above the water ‘line’.

Below the water line is much more. There are…

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Creativity, culture and collaboration are themes that run through Michelle LeBaron's work. She is an internationally renowned scholar/practitioner, currently serving as a professor of law and Director of Dispute Resolution at the University of British Columbia. Previously, she was a tenured professor of conflict analysis and resolution and women's…

I smile when I hear the expression “Don’t get your panties in a knot” and another variation like “Don’t get your knickers in a knot”. My brief research to discover the meaning yielded only that it originated from “some silliness” on The Basil Brush Show – a British television program in the 60’s. The general meaning appears to be about telling people to not get excited or upset by something. It is common when some people are in…

The phrase “nip it in the bud” is apparently derived from the de-budding of plants. The earlier form of the phrase was “nip in the bloome [sic]” and was cited in a romantic piece by Henry Chettle in 1595. It seems a sad origin, thinking of a flowering romance being nipped and prevented from blossoming. On the other hand, nipping of flower buds can facilitate repeat growth.

If we apply this notion of nipping it in the bud to conflict and consider firstly that it is a good thing to let…

There is something that doesn’t quite work about the expression, “You make me so angry” (or sad, disappointed, depressed, etc.). That is, none of us can really make someone an emotion. We may act or speak in ways that result in others experiencing negative feelings. Or, others may do or say things to which we react. However, in both cases we don’t and they don’t actually make the emotion happen.

This may sound as though I am ‘splitting hairs’. However, in my view, the notion inherent…

In today’s program, we are going to help you develop a plan for “Becoming Conflict Competent” in the new year. So, if you want to stop running away from those tense situations or maybe even curb your sharp or sarcastic tone when you are defending yourself, then listen in for a simple plan to help you change how you will deal with these conflict situations in the coming year. I am asking you to make 4 commitments on your journey to becoming conflict competent.…

Forgiveness is a powerful tool for clients who are up against difficult, and seemingly insurmountable, conflicts. It creates a pathway from conflict to a deeper place of understanding and compassion. Because Forgiveness integrates all levels of conflict -- physical, emotional, mental and spiritual–it uniquely enables clients to experience the…

When we begin to experience irritation about something happening with another person, our thoughts and feelings sometimes go to places that are not helpful for the situation and relationship with the other person. We may not always be aware of what is exacerbating things, but before we know it our initial responses have taken twists and turns that only serve to complicate matters. As things expand in our minds and hearts, we often find ourselves more and more conflicted, confused, and upset.…

Negative emotions arise all too frequently in our daily lives, feelings such as anger, irritation, fear, confusion and worry, to name a few. These emotions trigger stress and simultaneously block our ability to feel grounded and centered. They also negatively impact our health. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) is a powerful, fast, portable and easy to use tool to handle…