Originally Posted at:

Untangledresolutions.blogspot.com

Marty Epstein

UPDATE: Listener La-Verna Fountain has written in with the following comments:

"Oh my goodness, thank you! I thoroughly enjoyed listening to the radio program this morning. Wow! You started my day off wonderfully.  Marty - I am humbled that you shared and my heart is soaring. I will share the link with friends because it blessed me so much."

Thank you so much La-Verna! Please keep sharing the word.

My mother is a super manager. She and my father established a private pediatric practice in Southern California that she grew and ran for nearly eighteen years (dad confirms this -- he says was just another employee). I am constantly in awe of how my mom can corral groups of people into getting a job done. My mom's talent for project management yields astounding results. She receives great joy from running her projects well - and she takes on these projects as gifts to those she loves.

I am taking that approach to appreciating what inspires my mother's behavior because of what I learned from my guest, Marty Epstein, about mediating deeper connections. All I saw when I visited after being away for many months was my mom demanding that I be pair of hands to set to work. I felt annoyed and unappreciated. I wanted to be on vacation; Mom wanted me to help her by cleaning the spare bedroom or getting the groceries for dinner.

During the show, Marty shared how certain things his mother did triggered him, how he felt he could not connect with her. He spoke of a trip he took to Florida to visit his parents and how his mom scolded him at the door for not taking off his shoes. Ordinarily, he said, he would have felt triggered and shut down. Instead, he thought about what was going on with himself - and with his mother:

"I would notice that my heart would probably do a flip in the moment or my stomach would clench, and I would just check in and just say, 'ah, you're really wanting to connect and that need is not being met. . . .'" (Click the triangle to hear the show)

Marty also considered his mother's needs. He says, ". . I [understood] that my mother really values order and cleanliness and she has that as a higher priority than connection - that is so important to her - and I get that. And with that understanding I can relax more and ... I would try to support her - 'yes, Ma, I understand and I'll take off my shoes.' And when she can relax around that, she can move to other emotions . . . ."

Marty began to see that his mother kept the house clean and orderly to express her love for him. Similarly, my mom has certain standards for running the house. But she can't fulfill her need to have those standards met without help. Marty helped me remember that when my mom knows that I recognize and empathize with her needs, she is more likely to recognize and empathize with my needs too, creating space for us to come to a mutually satisfying agreement about how to meet all the needs between us.

There's more! Listen to the show to hear the complete story. You won't regret it!