I bet when you’re in conflict, your first reaction is to think – “If only he/she would stop doing that (whatever it is) … things would be better.” I know I do that. It’s amazing how much that empowers the other person and takes all of the power away from you to change the situation.
In her book, The Conflict Pivot, author Tammy Lenski makes the case that conflict occurs when something inside you is threatened.
It seems a whole lot easier to blame the other person, but is that really effective? How many times in your experience has the other person actually changed his/her behavior for you? Well, maybe sometimes, but in the deepest conflicts that you have, probably not.
Tammy has identified 6 hooks in her book:
It took me a while to process these for myself. I practiced and tried to identify what I was feeling when a conflict arose. I looked inside myself and then, I named the feeling. Often Reliability and Integrity were my hooks!
Why is this so important?
Because of the 2nd Conflict Pivot – AWAY FROM THEIR BEHAVIOR AND TOWARDS YOUR HOOKS
I just love this idea. It’s not about them, it’s about YOU. This pivot gives you the tools to move the 3rd and final one. Stay tuned for next week’s post “Away from the Past.”
P.S. For the 1st Conflict Pivot, please read The Stuck Story