OK, I have a confession to make … I am a “but” head. I use the word “but” way too often in my conversations so trying to eliminate it from my vocabulary is my resolution for this new year.

Why is “BUT” a bad word??

“But” is one of those words that immediately causes the hair on your neck to bristle. It’s a cliff to something…

Merry Christmas!

Yes, the holidays are notorious for CREATING conflict (think family get-togethers, financial stress, and unrealistic expectations), but, this year, I thought it would be a good idea to focus on how the holidays can actually RESOLVE the past year’s conflicts.

1. Attitude Change: What better time of year than the holidays for an attitude change.…

It’s the first Christmas of World War I. The year is 1914 – 100 years ago.

Here is how British soldier Frank Richards described it:

On Christmas morning we stuck up a board with “Merry Christmas” on it. The enemy has stuck up a similar one … Two of our men then threw their equipment off and jumped on the parapet with…

So, you may be wondering about the title of this post–who the heck is Rapoport and what is his intervention?

Well, let me tell you!

Anatol Rapoport was an early 20th century mathematical psychologist who came up with the idea that, during conflict, people will see the other party as dis-similar to them and tend to see themselves as having all the positive history, traits, and qualities. At the same time, people will see the other person as having…

NEWS FLASH … the difference between success and failure can sometimes be just a tiny shift in how we do things. Here’s my recent experience.

I am on a panel of custody mediators at the Second Judicial District Court. When I was first appointed to the panel, the mediation program administrator would reach out to me, on a case-by-case basis, and ask whether I was available on a particular day and time to conduct a mediation.

I would open my e-mail…

 recently picked up quite a handy piece of advice, and I wanted to pass it on. It’s called “Yes, No, and I’ll Think About It.” And, I’m pretty sure it’s gonna make my job (and yours) as a mediator a LOT easier!

All of us have probably been in mediations (or, at least, heard about mediations) where the parties can’t make a decision. Or, they make a decision and go on and on and on about WHY he/she has made the decision.

So, here’s a handy tip if you…

Having a very sick child is stressful on so many levels. I have watched friends go through this with their little ones. What a helpless feeling … full of fear … wanting to do anything and everything so that your child gets better.

Add to that the strain of having to make decisions for your child’s care and it all becomes a pressure cooker for conflict.

Here is how one parent described it:

“It’s horrific to sit and watch your child deteriorating and you feel…

So, I’m reading a new book about the “science” behind marriage, and one very interesting chapter talked a lot about “rhythm.” Specifically, the author was describing how we all fall into a “rhythm” in our relationships, which keep many conflicts at bay. She also talked about how even communities have a certain “rhythm” which keeps its citizens in homeostasis.

You may know what I’m talking about. If you’ve ever been in a long-term relationship. you may have…

Oh my gosh. I just did this the other day. I tuned out the world.

Why? Because I thought I was right. Why take in any more input? I had already made up my mind.

My attitude was ‘don’t bother me … I’m not listening.’

Well, it turns out that this can be a very shortsighted approach.

Appreciating the…

November 27, 2014

Hey everyone–Happy Thanksgiving!

This year, my Dad and Step-Mom are driving up from Atlanta, and it looks like a small, family Thanksgiving for us. But, for those of you hitting the road for or hosting a large, extended-family Thanksgiving, I’ve written a few pointers to keep in conflict-free!

Here are a few tips for a drama-free meal:…

During this Thanksgiving week, I would like to give thanks for all the mediation skills I learned that help me not only at the mediation table … but in everyday life too.

This list was derived from a video created by John Ford on the HR Mediator Channel. Thank-you, John, for your insightfulness.

1. Be Your Real Self – To me, this…

I’m not big on acronyms, but I’m particularly fond of this one. That’s because it’s short (so, I can remember it), and it has been extraordinarily helpful to my mediation career (which is always a good thing)!

You’re probably wondering what B.I.F.F. stands for. It stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.

I recently learned about it from a video featuring a Conflict Resolution expert, and I connected with the idea right away, mostly because…

Over the years, I’ve heard a lot about the “right brain” and “left brain,” but, honestly, I can never remember which one is the “emotional” side and which one is the “logical” side.

Well, I just learned something that will make it easier to remember–and something that can be VERY helpful in the therapy room and at the mediation table.

I learned that, when we start to write, we immediately go into our “left brain” even if we had been in our “right…

You’ve heard of ‘Heartbreak Hotel’ or ‘Hotel California’ … but ‘DivorceHotel’? Yup, it’s something new.

Here’s the deal.

For a base price of $5000, a separating couple can check in for the weekend at the Gideon Putnam Hotel in Saratoga Springs, NY (a very nice place) and check out two days later with a notarized final divorce agreement. The price includes two rooms, access to lawyers and all divorce mediation.…

Recently, I had to watch several videos in order to renew my Neutral Registration in Georgia, and I completely underestimated how much I would learn from them.

One thing I learned (which I kind of already knew): People are selfish.

Now, that doesn’t mean we always act on our selfish tendencies, but, alas, we all have them. They’re probably a leftover from our caveman days when, let’s face it, survival was key.…

I think a lot of conflict happens within us – it doesn’t even involve another person. Why do I feel this way?

I was at an exercise class last week and my instructor was talking about how stressed out she is – about, of all things, her May 2015 wedding. She talked about how complicated things were getting and that she was second guessing her decisions about her location, logistics etc.…

I feel fortunate. I’ve never (so far) lived in a country ravaged by war, and I can honestly say I hope I never do.

That feeling of gratitude was magnified recently, when I talked with an acquaintance who was raised in Kuwait and was living there during the Gulf War. Maybe I was too young to notice the reality (I was about 16 at the time), but I thought the Gulf War was a pretty open-and-shut case with few casualties.

Apparently, I was wrong.…

Rory McIlroy is the #1 golf player in the world.

But he has decided to skip two golf tournaments in next couple of weeks. Why? Injury? Family reasons?

Nope … it’s because he is preparing for a trial.

That, in a nutshell, is the price of conflict that escalates to litigation.

In the spring of 2013, Rory left Horizon Sports Management, about six months after signing a contract with Nike, which is reported to be a 9-figure endorsement…

I’ve always been a big fan of scheduling things. I’m even one of the few people left who use an actual paper calendar to schedule things–mostly because I’m addicted to turning a page and seeing all my “to-do’s” written down.

So, it’s probably in my nature to bring the idea of scheduling into my work. In fact, for clients dealing with grief, I often recommend they “schedule” their grief, so they can still function in daily life. For so many, grief strikes at…