It often seems that phrases like, “settle down”, “just calm yourself”, “you don’t need to get upset”, etc. lead to increased defensiveness and other negative reactions, rather than less, as the speaker likely hoped. Hushing hand gestures result in the same sort of negative response. That is, comments or gestures of this nature are usually experienced as dismissive and undermining. Those on the receiving end generally resent that their views and feelings are being quieted, put down, or…

After a conflict, some of us experience a sense of guilt. We may realize we contributed to the discord by saying or doing something that we know offended the other person. We may have been insulting. We may have not told the truth. We may have retaliated, gossiped, or acted in our self-interest – to the other person’s detriment. These and other actions may haunt us after the conflict and lead to continuing self-blame.

According to …

Do you remember the expression “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me”? If so, you may also recall, as I do, that it was (and may still be) a stock response to verbal bullying in grade school playgrounds. The meaning is evident and is simply described by one resource as follows: “A response to an insult, implying that ‘You might be able to hurt me by physical…

The expression on today’s blog - speaking your mind - means saying exactly what we think regardless of whether or not others will agree. The idea of doing so comes with boundaries for some of us, and we may not say exactly what is on our mind whether or not others will agree. That may be only one reason. Other reasons have to do with a fear of conflict and associated challenges discussed in a…

I always smile when I hear the expression titled in this week’s blog. It is meaty with metaphor and meaning. I first learned it many years ago. It was during a conflict that a friend was describing and wondering what to do about it. Another of our friends said, “Whatever you do, don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.” I got what it meant within the context of what was being shared and the friend in conflict conducted himself accordingly. I have used this expression many times since –…

When we are competitive, like in interpersonal conflict, we tend to be positional and it is evident we are determined to be the winner. This essentially describes the need to be dominant and fits into today’s blog topic – about getting the upper hand.

There are various suggested origins of this expression. Prominent amongst those is that the phrase originated in American playgrounds, in the way…

It’s not likely that burying our heads in the sand when in conflict helps to solve matters, mend the relationship, or clarify assumptions and perceptions. Sometimes though it may be the best tact.

The expression “bury your head in the sand” apparently comes from the supposed habit of ostriches hiding their heads when faced with an attack by predators. The story was first recorded by the Roman writer Pliny the…

It is likely that most of us are able to specifically refer to some things that ‘put our backs up’ – an expression that describes the impact of being provoked by certain acts or deeds of another person.

The derivation is from the habit of cats arching their backs when threatened or annoyed. It is apparently a colloquial term that came into being in Britain in the 18th century.

If you have a cat you…

Among the fears that some of us have about interpersonal conflict is the loss of something important to us. It may be a fear we will lose what we are fighting for. It may be we fear losing the relationship. We may fear the loss of our position or status. Another loss some of us have when we are in conflict, or when we expect one may evolve, has to do with losing face and experiencing related emotions such as humiliation.

According to one …

As you know, last week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog was entitled “Apologizing” and specifically what constitutes an effective apology. This week’s blog asks more and different questions about making apologies. Doing so can be challenging for some of us – depending on the circumstance - as we do not always know if they will be received well and if the other person is ready and willing…

It often happens after an interpersonal dispute that one or both people apologize for something said or done that upset the other person. We may realize our actions were not warranted or that we said something that hurt the other person. We may have shared long-held sentiments that had remained unspoken and then, observe the negative consequences of doing so. We may have acted out of malice and on reflection, admit what we said or did was mean-spirited. The list goes on and any number of…

After a conflict is over, it helps to ‘take stock’ of what happened and to learn from the experience. One of the definitions of this idiom – ‘to take stock’ – relevant to a conflict situation is “to think carefully about a situation or event and form an opinion about it, so that you can decide what to do”. Another pertinent …

The derivation of the expression “Achilles’ heel” dates back to an ancient legend. The story goes that Achilles’ mother Thetis dipped him into the river Styx to make him invulnerable. One of his heels was not covered by the water though, and as a consequence he was later killed by an arrow wound to the heel that was exposed. The expression – Achilles’ heel – is used till this day as a metaphor for…

I remember my mother using the slang expression ‘slow burn’ when she was feeling angry at someone about something she or he said or did. The sentence started, “I’m doing a slow burn ever since Mary….” Luckily, we seemed to be a family that regularly used idioms, so I didn’t literally think of her burning. But, I do recall asking her, “What is a fast burn?” and her response, “Well that’s when I boil over!” I had observed both so knew what she meant.

So, to bring in my mother’s…

Here’s another interesting metaphor to do with body parts and conflict. The visual here of ‘stepping on someone’s toes’ is, as with many idiomatic images, quite vivid. That is, I imagine the experience of having this happen – figurative though it is – would feel like an invasive, hurtful, and insulting act that can easily lead to conflict.

One definition describes this interaction as offending or insulting…

It’s interesting to me how various body parts represent statements used about conflict concepts and states of ‘being’ at these times. Getting a “nose out of joint” is one of those. The origin of this phrase reportedly dates back to 1581 and was used by Barnaby Rich in His Farewell to Militarie Profession. The related quote is: “It could bee no other then his owne manne, that has thrust his nose so farre out of…

I have talked about forgiveness in a previous blog entitled “Forgiving When Asked”. More recently, a fascinating discussion on the words “I’m sorry” came up on the …

What often happens in the middle of an interpersonal conflict is that, for one reason or another, one or both people become increasingly agitated and words and emotions accelerate in intensity and negativity. This shows up in various other ways too, such as talking louder and getting more aggressive and blameful. The outpouring of feelings typically opens up a faucet of vitriol, attributions, and for some, tears. It is a time we may feel out of control and choice.

Though I often think…

Several years ago I began asking friends, family members, colleagues and clients what stops them from trying different things to be able to improve how they manage conflict. Of course, their answers varied.

While situations and those involved elicit different reactions, the people I questioned typically recounted a number of things they would have done differently. Others were unable to contemplate what would have made things better. Some people said they were not sure whether they…

I don’t recall the first time I heard the expression “telling tales out of school”. When I searched for the meaning of this expression, I discovered this specific statement is the oldest of three expressions of the same ilk (“talking out of school” and “speaking out of school”). The same source says, “The usual meaning is, don’t gossip indiscreetly or reveal private matters, secrets or confidences”, which is likely…