Forgive and forget is one of those common statements said to someone after they have been in a conflict. It may be to encourage them to move on, to not be bothered anymore with what occurred, to stop fretting, to let themselves and the other person ‘off the hook’, and so on. Often this expression is stated flippantly though - out of impatience or lack of understanding. It may be said in sympathy and beseechingly.

What about this expression when it comes to conflict mastery?  Sometimes…

(Originally posted at www.EnjoyMediation.com) 

Metaphors are easily overlooked yet are incredibly powerful.  The use of metaphors during conflict can either help parties move towards resolution or compound differences and push the interaction further along the downward spiral of negative conflict.

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One of the ways many of us deal with interpersonal conflict as soon as we get a whiff of it or it begins to evolve is to take flight. We may want to rise above it and just get away from any of the related tension. Or, we may fear a range of repercussions such as harsh words, upset, hostility, ongoing negativity, and so on. These and other reasons lead many of us to flee!

It takes courage to be in conflict and it takes courage to know when to walk or run away from it, too. A pattern of…

Fighting with others is not a necessary part of being in conflict, though for many people these are synonymous. The inclination to fight is one reaction when we are having an interpersonal disagreement with another person. The situation, the person, the stakes, the degree we perceive the offense, and so on are variables that determine which approach we take when provoked and the extent to which we react. However, it is likely that certain behaviours we have come to use routinely, such as…

When considering that one response to being provoked is to freeze, this week’s blog encourages thinking about what that means and what to do about it. So, what does freezing mean in the context of conflict? It may be a matter of becoming hard and cold internally or towards the other person or both. It may also be a reaction that reflects feeling immobilized. We feel powerless to know what to say or do. Typically, our brains are ‘on hold’ and we are not able to think at these times. These and…

In the midst of conflict, it is common to feel confused – wondering what is happening and why, experiencing mixed emotions, feeling out of control or immobilized, and so on. At these times, we often don’t have a sense of what to do or what to say. Since our confusion obviously interferes with our ability to think clearly, we may tend to act and react on emotions. The outcome we want, how to get there, and how to manage our emotions are muddled in our hearts and brains.

Since we are in…

It’s not a straightforward exercise to figure out from where and how our assumptions come to us. Life experience, family, friends, teachers, observations, gossip, others’ tales, and a wide range of variables have an impact on our thinking. How we interpret peoples’ words, actions, behaviours, attitudes, etc. leads us to act and react in ways that are based on our assumptions - not necessarily on what is actually intended. Conflict can easily arise from erroneous perceptions and…

One of the reactions to people who provoke us is to give them ‘the cold shoulder’. In the dictionaries I consulted, I found that the source of this is Sir Walter Scott. There is no reason explaining its derivation but rather descriptors of what the expression reflects, including words such as aloofness and disdain.

Idioms like this and others – for instance, ‘getting our noses out of joint’ - are vivid in the physical images they conjure up. When we are in conflict we usually show it…

Before we engage someone in a challenging conversation, it helps to think out what to say and how to be. We have already discussed this in a previous blog. It also helps to give some thought about what to stay away from in order to achieve what we intend. Our reactions, attitudes, manner, considering the other person’s hot buttons, and other things are all choices we have – that can make or break a conversation.

This line of inquiry is particularly about what we may do or say (or not…

It seems that at times after a dispute is over we second-guess what we said or did. This expression – second-guess – implies that we have made a first guess and the further implication is that we are now wondering about and doubting the wisdom of our initial way of handling the situation. This suggests the time-worn truth that thinking before we speak and act helps to eliminate regrets and self-recrimination that typically accompany second-guessing. The idea about this week’s blog is more…

When we expect that an interaction is likely to be contentious, the chances are that many of us get the jitters.  We worry about what the other person may say or do, how we will cope, whether things will get out of hand and other possible reactions. Often the reasons for these jitters do not have a basis in reality. However, previous experiences, others’ narratives about what has happened to them in like circumstances and a wide range of fears may preoccupy us and lead us to feel unsettled,…

Sometimes we get into a cranky mood for no apparent reason.  Other times we get there because we have onerous things on our minds or we feel hurt by someone’s actions or words. Other times, obligations cause us stress and weigh us down. These and other types of happenings that occur in our daily lives will contribute to a state of mind and heart that can negatively affect us and those around us. In these sorts of moods, we may be more apt to pick fights or be more vulnerable and sensitive to…

Lots of things happen during the course of a dispute that may raise an internal groan in us. It may be because we say something we immediately regret; we hear a truth we hate to face; we observe a look or attitude that is off-putting; we hear the other person’s perspective that is antithetical to our intent or that is hurtful, offensive and so on.

Whether we groan internally or externally it is helpful to listen to the sound of our groans and consider from where they are coming and…

Over the years of interacting as a child in our families of origin and schools and then as an adult in our work and relationships, we develop views about the…

It is common when we are in conflict that different parts of us emerge. Some are familiar to us and some parts we do not recognize. Some parts reflect what we…

Not all of us know when, whether or how to be proactive and raise a conflictual issue with a person with whom we have an inner conflict. It’s a tough call at…

When we have had a dispute with another person, it is sometimes the case that the facts about what happened become distorted. This depends for instance, on how…

Having regrets about what happened in a conflict feels lousy. Our regrets are often remorse for things we wished we had said or done differently or not at all.…

Intertwined with the notion of resilience and moving past the feelings and thoughts that emerge from our disputes is whether we can actually forget about what occurred. Or, do we store the emotional impact and the impressions we make about the other person and ourselves? It has been suggested in a previous blog that unless we unpack what happened for us in our interpersonal disputes we will carry the luggage around with us. This week the ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog is more on this…

Even when an interpersonal dispute appears to be resolved, there are times that some of us continue to feel unresolved in our hearts and mind. Why is that? There are lots of reasons this phenomenon occurs. These include lingering feelings of hurt, anger and other remaining negative emotions. Or, it could be the realization that we regret our unspoken words and sentiments. Or, we regret saying things we know we cannot take back now. A tendency to accommodate the other person’s needs more than…