Before we engage someone in a challenging conversation, it helps to think out what to say and how to be. We have already discussed this in a previous blog. It also helps to give some thought about what to stay away from in order to achieve what we intend. Our reactions, attitudes, manner, considering the other person’s hot buttons, and other things are all choices we have – that can make or break a conversation.

This line of inquiry is particularly about what we may do or say (or not…

It seems that at times after a dispute is over we second-guess what we said or did. This expression – second-guess – implies that we have made a first guess and the further implication is that we are now wondering about and doubting the wisdom of our initial way of handling the situation. This suggests the time-worn truth that thinking before we speak and act helps to eliminate regrets and self-recrimination that typically accompany second-guessing. The idea about this week’s blog is more…

When we expect that an interaction is likely to be contentious, the chances are that many of us get the jitters.  We worry about what the other person may say or do, how we will cope, whether things will get out of hand and other possible reactions. Often the reasons for these jitters do not have a basis in reality. However, previous experiences, others’ narratives about what has happened to them in like circumstances and a wide range of fears may preoccupy us and lead us to feel unsettled,…

Cinnie Noble- Welcome to this month's virtual book club! Over the month, my…

As do all human activities, our attempts to respond to and engage with conflict have environmental impact. Any intervention – mediation, peacebuilding activities, training, workshops, and so forth – can be performed in different ways, some of which are inherently more environmentally adverse than others.

In a new article, entitled …

Identity Can Be Lethal, Dr. Janice McRae 

Identity can be lethal.  It is a curious component of how we define our humanness.  In…

Sometimes we get into a cranky mood for no apparent reason.  Other times we get there because we have onerous things on our minds or we feel hurt by someone’s actions or words. Other times, obligations cause us stress and weigh us down. These and other types of happenings that occur in our daily lives will contribute to a state of mind and heart that can negatively affect us and those around us. In these sorts of moods, we may be more apt to pick fights or be more vulnerable and sensitive to…

Lots of things happen during the course of a dispute that may raise an internal groan in us. It may be because we say something we immediately regret; we hear a truth we hate to face; we observe a look or attitude that is off-putting; we hear the other person’s perspective that is antithetical to our intent or that is hurtful, offensive and so on.

Whether we groan internally or externally it is helpful to listen to the sound of our groans and consider from where they are coming and…

Cinnie Noble- Welcome to this month's virtual book club! Over the month, my co-facilitator Tammy Lenski and I will be posting questions about the book and topic of conflict management coaching and we invite you to post your own…

Over the years of interacting as a child in our families of origin and schools and then as an adult in our work and relationships, we develop views about the…

It is common when we are in conflict that different parts of us emerge. Some are familiar to us and some parts we do not recognize. Some parts reflect what we…

Some of the news items in recent weeks made me think of something I had read about acceptance (“Getting Together – Building Relationships As We Negotiate” by Fisher and Brown, 1988). These days we talk much about “tolerance”, but there seems to be a fine difference. Acceptance comes first: First we need to recognize the other party, only then can there be a question of how we deal with them.

Why does this need to be pointed out? Well, when we are in a conflict…

Not all of us know when, whether or how to be proactive and raise a conflictual issue with a person with whom we have an inner conflict. It’s a tough call at…

When we have had a dispute with another person, it is sometimes the case that the facts about what happened become distorted. This depends for instance, on how…

This morning on the way to work, I came across a situation and was left thinking of what responses were possible.

An obviously drunk man of about 30 carrying an open tall can of beer in his hand came up to a younger (maybe 16-18 year old) boy and started belligerently berating him on the subway in between stops. He threatened the boy that he would find and later kill him. That revenge is sweet. All sorts of angry banter. The boy sat quietly, looking down at his phone, earphones in,…

Having regrets about what happened in a conflict feels lousy. Our regrets are often remorse for things we wished we had said or done differently or not at all.…

Intertwined with the notion of resilience and moving past the feelings and thoughts that emerge from our disputes is whether we can actually forget about what occurred. Or, do we store the emotional impact and the impressions we make about the other person and ourselves? It has been suggested in a previous blog that unless we unpack what happened for us in our interpersonal disputes we will carry the luggage around with us. This week the ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog is more on this…

Preparing to respond to another person’s initiation of a conflict conversation can be an art and science, just as it is when we are the initiator. You may not have thought of conflict conversations as being either an art or science. The reality is we all are involved on a regular basis in communications that are and that have the potential for being difficult, emotional, inflammatory and so on.

It is up to us to choose whether we want to engage in difficult communications…

Even when an interpersonal dispute appears to be resolved, there are times that some of us continue to feel unresolved in our hearts and mind. Why is that? There are lots of reasons this phenomenon occurs. These include lingering feelings of hurt, anger and other remaining negative emotions. Or, it could be the realization that we regret our unspoken words and sentiments. Or, we regret saying things we know we cannot take back now. A tendency to accommodate the other person’s needs more than…