Our conversation will focus on what to do to prepare for those family gatherings so that you don't lose your cool.

• Have you ever felt you have to perform like Martha Stewart and be the perfect hostess?
• Or, maybe you wanted to start a new tradition but it is met with resistance because “we’ve always done it this way!”
• Do you get tired of the constant battle of who to visit, so instead you rush around to 3 or 4 family households in a day? Exhausting!
• We…

Jumping to conclusions can easily cause or perpetuate a conflict situation. This idiom – jumping to conclusions – refers to a tendency to assume something as negative when there is not necessarily a reason to do so. Conclusions may be about another person’s character, motives, attitude, and rationale. This sort of thinking may come from the habitual inclination to think the worst, to not trust ourselves or others, to let our insecurities and fears take over, and so on.

There are…

Cyberweek 2012 – Take 2: Return of the online mediation competition!

Noam Ebner- We’ve been missing a…

After a conflict is ostensibly over, we often forget what the other person said. It may be that is was inconsequential to us and so, we dismiss it. We may not retain what was said due to the need to move on and to put things behind us. We may have blocked it because it was unbelievable, too painful to hear, too bizarre according to our version of the events, or it felt blameful and retaliatory and not something we want to remember. It may be the case that our voice took up the air space and…

Interpersonal disputes are multi-layered and an onion is an apt metaphor to describe the many dimensions of conflict. An onion also reflects the many layers of the other person and of us. Our hearts and brains, our spiritual being, our bodies are all parts of us that are effected when we are in conflict. Each layer adds to the mystery and confusion conflict creates inside us.

Though we may come to our disputes with historical experiences that have built on one another, each new…

Every holiday season, workplaces around the country ponder whether to have their annual Christmas party and whether to decorate with all of the glitter and bows that accompanies the traditional American celebration. Employers’ stress and anxiety rises as they think of the potential conflict lurking around the Christmas tree...the Grinch.

With diversity comes the recognition that…

One of the things that happens when we are masterful in conflict is we not only listen carefully and thoughtfully to what is being said and felt. We are also willing to be curious and hear what is going on inside us and inside the other person. The more emotional we become, the more difficult that is, of course. The thing is, that without curiosity we make and react to our assumptions and let our emotions prevail. Often conflict then evolves because our imaginations take over. Without…

The holidays are upon us along with the hustle, bustle and stress that come along with the various expectations, values and traditions we hold dear. You want to spend time with your family and friends which often requires traveling and visiting each other’s homes. But what if you want to bring your beloved pet with you…they are family members too…right? Or, if you have a gathering…

As soon as we begin to react to someone who provokes us there are options about how to proceed. One of those is to give the person the benefit of the doubt. This expression apparently refers to the legal phrase “reasonable doubt” first documented in the 18th Century English law. The phrase was accepted as the degree of doubt required to acquit a criminal defendant and was defined in terms of moral certainty. In the 20th Century “reasonable doubt” was given constitutional status in the U.S.…

Our perceptions of what actually occurred in a dispute are not all that reliable in the aftermath of hurtful interactions. Our emotional experiences of conflict have a huge impact on us and one of the results is that our perspective on what happened gets muddled and muddied. What we think is an absolute truth about the event and the exchange about it is often not the other person’s perception of the absolute truth. Essentially, facts can be easily distorted and we end up with our blind spots…

Sometimes during conflict we lose our confidence and composure. We may become plagued with self-doubt and feel we are not able to stand up for ourselves. We back down at these times and give in to the other person. We may regret doing so and admonish ourselves for lack of courage or ‘guts’. This and other self-limiting beliefs eat away at our self-esteem and we may feel all the more helpless and powerless.

More things may get in our way of standing up for ourselves, too. For instance,…

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Each year, community mediators help nearly a million people in conflicts all manner of vexing variation. From schoolyard bullying to co-worker conflicts, nuisance neighbors to deeply personal family fights, community mediation programs bring constructive conflict resolution services to the masses. They mediate, facilitate, coach, train, and much more. These programs and…

One way that some of us cope when we are in conflict is to criticize the other person for something he or she is saying or doing. Criticism takes many forms. For instance, it may be by being condescending, pointing out and putting down things we don’t approve of, finding fault when things don’t suit or fit our perspective, ignoring the person or demonstrating a dismissive attitude, being sarcastic about or correcting things the person says, and so on. Criticizing in these and other ways…

It’s a strange expression – chip on your shoulder – and it has a rich history. According to Wikipedia it dates back to the Royal Navy Dockyards and a requirement for shipwrights to carry timber chips under their arms rather than on their shoulders because they could carry more that way. The story goes that one shipwright (John Miller) refused and the Master Shipwright ordered him to lower the chips and tried to physically force him to do so. Miller and others pushed the Master and First…

There are times when we may say we feel ‘out of control’ when we are in conflict and that means different things to different people. The description of what ‘out of control’ means will differ among us and typically, being out of control is not a positive experience for ourselves or the other person. It seems that this sentiment is expressed when we react strongly to being provoked and say or do things that we consider uncharacteristic and, perhaps, unreasoned, unreasonable and even…

Forgive and forget is one of those common statements said to someone after they have been in a conflict. It may be to encourage them to move on, to not be bothered anymore with what occurred, to stop fretting, to let themselves and the other person ‘off the hook’, and so on. Often this expression is stated flippantly though - out of impatience or lack of understanding. It may be said in sympathy and beseechingly.

What about this expression when it comes to conflict mastery?  Sometimes…

Stephen Kotev and I help you figure out how to resolve conflicts in the workplace. In this episode we pick up where “A Manager’s Dilemma: How do YOU figure…

Q & A With NYPD Hostage Negotiation Founder…

(Originally posted at www.EnjoyMediation.com) 

Metaphors are easily overlooked yet are incredibly powerful.  The use of metaphors during conflict can either help parties move towards resolution or compound differences and push the interaction further along the downward spiral of negative conflict.

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